By Adam and Magan (edited by Ian Brinksman)
In some sense, I hesitate to even write such a post. John Wesley has admirable things about him. He is a brother in the Lord and I will probably meet him someday in heaven (It’s a good thing there won’t be the flesh, the world, and the devil in heaven. That meeting would make for an awkward moment…).
Some of the things I stand strong with Wesley on. He was a champion of certain social issues. I value his heart for the slave and the convict. He got it right on prison reform and abolitionism (he was a friend of William Wilberforce and joined his voice in speaking out against slavery late in his life). He was also a great model for how we are to be good stewards of our money. Even more so than social issues, Wesley was a strong proponent of justification by faith alone, holy living, and evangelism. This aspect of Wesley is greatly to be admired.
However one of the greatest things that irks me about Wesley is...his failed marriage....Many might suggest that his marital woes (and possibly other familial issues) have absolutely nothing to do with one’s theology. I wholeheartedly disagree. This disconnect may be from a result of an exaggerated elevation of “spiritual” things and a disregard for “worldly” things.
The writers of Scripture seem to note that there is close connection between how one carried their home life with their church life. Numerous times throughout the epistles, we see the qualifications for church offices highly regulated by one’s character – not on things that we seem to value today (like one’s formal education). And what better place to see it than in one’s home life? A person can pretend to be someone for a few hours every so often. But go to where they are all the time (at home) and you will see what kind of person they really are.
1 Timothy 5:8 says that if a Christian man does not provide (care) for his relatives and especially members of his own household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever (pretty strong language!). It is being strongly stated here that if a Christian man can’t lead his own household well, how is he to be a leader in God’s household (a.k.a. the church)?
In virtually every sense, Wesley sacrificed his marriage on the altar of ministry success. He thought his work as a preacher was far more important than his marriage. It is no understatement to say that the way he treated his marriage was his biggest moral failure.
The (Brief) Rundown of How Things Went Down
In his mid-40’s John Wesley fell deeply in love with a woman in her 20’s named Grace Murray. John’s brother Charles thought that it would not be good for his ministry. He felt that it would only be a distraction. Charles thought it would be a weight that would slow down the momentum of the Methodist revivals. While in one sense, we might be repulsed by Charles’s position, this was a similar mentality of Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:7 when he says, “I wish that all were as I myself am” [that is, unmarried]. Marriage has its benefits, but so does celibacy – provided they are both leveraged to God’s glory.
However, Charles’s belief that his brother shouldn’t be married drove him to manipulate the situation. Charles went behind his brother’s back and talked Grace into marring someone else! Charles sabotaged his brother’s love. Understandably, John was livid and it led to a great division in their otherwise encouraging relationship.
Less than three years after this debacle, a local banker named Ebenezer Blackwell thought he had the perfect woman to set Wesley up with. Obviously, John didn’t think to consult his brother on this one. He probably should have though. Instead of a happy marriage that would be a blessing to his life and ministry, it was the exact opposite of everything Wesley had hoped for.
Molly Vazeille was a widow who had four children and a nice inheritance from her late husband. She had moved up in social standing (due to the inheritance and prominence she gained though her late husband) and was a viable candidate for marriage.
John Wesley and Molly Vazeille had a very long courtship of 16 days. Obviously, they had a well-thought out vision of marital expectations (sarcasm!). Seriously, how well can you get to know someone by dating only 16 days? In all due fairness, Wesley and Vazeille were both older and short courtships were more common at that culture and time. One could see this as a marriage on the rebound. Wesley’s failed engagement a few years before left him somewhat bitter and wanting.
The biggest death nail laid to Wesley’s marriage was laid before he even entered the marriage. John Wesley had it in his mind that his job as intenerate preacher shouldn’t have to be weighed down by his private decision to marry. In Wesley’s mind, he would not preach one less sermon, nor would he travel one less mile on account of a personal matter. Like it or not, Molly would simply have to adjust her expectations to fit John’s “higher calling”.
In a strangely admirable yet misguided thought– Wesley believed his preaching was beneficial to God’s kingdom and his marriage was beneficial only to his own (Wesley’s) kingdom. To Wesley, one was eternal and the other was temporal. Wesley thought that his work for God’s shouldn’t suffer from a self-interested decision.
Just to show you how much Wesley valued his nuptials, he didn’t even mention it in his journal for that day! He preached sermons the day before and after the marriage ceremony. The very next Sabbath day, Wesley referred to his new marriage as a “cross” that he would reluctantly bear for the sake of the movement (many followers of Wesley thought it would be best for him to marry [for various reasons]; it could be said that he was pressured into marriage). Evidently this reference made Molly unhappy with John.
If the marriage started off bad, it only got worse.
Molly repeatedly complained about John’s insensitivity to her. He was constantly traveling and didn’t pay too much attention to her. After a few months of suffering this neglect, her attempted solution was to try traveling with him. Maybe this would help. Unfortunately for her, the life of a circuit rider was not peaches and cream. Traveling hundreds of miles on horseback and sometimes in the rain was unpleasant to say the least. On occasion, they would have crowds jeer at them. There were also some reports of threats on their lives.
This initial attempt to improve things was probably the only bright spot of her character. Her fits of rage were legendary (John probably felt every ounce of the truisms of Proverbs). Once, she was recorded as physically dragging him around by the hair.
If the situation wasn’t bad enough, enter Sarah Ryan.
Sarah Ryan was a new convert and had been married 3 times by her early 30’s – never being officially divorced of any of the three. John appointed her the matron of one school for children he helped get started. Upon opening John’s mail while he was away (John had naively gave her permission to open his mail), Molly interpreted the written documents between John and Sarah to be more than simply ministry to a woman under his care. At one public meeting, Molly bust into the room shouting that Sarah was a “whore” (her words, not mine) and called into question Sarah and John’s relational integrity.
Molly withheld the letters from John and wouldn’t give them to him. In secret, John stole some of the letters back. To get revenge, Molly doctored some of the messages and sent them to the London newspaper to be published, slandering her husband publicly (which basically made it look like Sarah and John were involved in a secret love affair)!
Towards the end of their marriage, effectively, they lived in separation. Never officially divorced, but they separated for periods of time. Obviously, John was not the only one at fault. Molly disrespected her husband by many of the things she did to him – both privately and publicly.
Instead of married to his wife, John Wesley was married to his work. She wasn’t really special to him. She was just one of the other girls.
Know this - If you are a minister of the Gospel, your marriage is your first ministry. If you fail at this first one, your second ministry is tainted.
I love John Wesley’s passion to preach the Gospel. I just wish he would have been obedient to it in this major area of his life. This is greatly to be lamented, not celebrated. As Christians we must value our home life and honor the most important earthly commitment we have made (assuming you have made a marriage commitment). The question(s) I have for the one reading this post is this: Do you value your work more than your marriage? If you are unmarried and plan to marry, what precautions do you plan to take to guard your marriage? Ephesians 5 gives crystal clear instructions on how husbands and wives are to love each other. In this big part of life, Wesley failed… big time. One of the advantages in studying history is to learn from the painful mistakes of others. Avoid the negative examples.
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